Shadow of the Past
by Doctor-River
Summary: The Doctor retraces the steps of his past self's faults to search for his long lost love, only he finds a lot of heartbreak along the way...


**A/N: This is just a really emotional oneshot I couldn't help writing! Every time I watch the Doctor and River being separated I can't help but cry, hoping they would be reunited again. So, tissues at the ready!**

The darkness all around him was nothing compared to the empty void in both his hearts leaving a space that could never be filled. He paced through the black surrounding him, only his memories directing his feet where they should lead him to.

Once, a long time ago this very room was so dangerous in the dark that even he feared it and not much could scare this man. The only other thing that petrified him even more was his future, not only _his_ future but his future with the ever so mysterious River Song.

River Song- the reason why he is here again, why he had to return. The very place at which she died for him when he didn't even know who she was, just the memory replaying over in his mind was enough to shatter his almost unbreakable hearts, even the lords must cry at times of great despair.

He could barely bring himself to lift his head up away from the hellish nightmare that loomed since the tragic moment time rebelled against the time-lord. He knew where he was now, that was just enough to make his dark eyes glance up to the amber ball of data hovering behind the shield just a few feet from the blackness. That's where she is, where she always will be in her chronological time, imprisoned for her selfless act of love, bravery and compassion.

He hadn't set foot anywhere near her digital prison since he left the dark day which it all happened; he was not only scared but guilt-ridden. Exactly 1000 years after he could force enough courage and love out of him to return, he soon finds himself treading in the shadow of a distant memory from his painful history.

The void within him was opening wider with each retrace of his younger self's and her older self's steps. His feet cemented to the exact spot where she made the decision to sacrifice herself for their future- his face still sore, he could almost feel the stinging of her right-handed hit knocking him unconscious all over again.

His hand resting precisely where she last had any physical contact with him in her timeline, it may not have been romantic but it clawed away at his soul each time he thought of it. His other hand instinctively moving forwards reaching to the keys of the keyboard which parted them from each other. His fingers running over pressing the keys 'RIVER SONG'

Moments later on the screen in front of the Doctor's saddened gaze was the only thing that made his life seem remotely worthwhile- River Song. This beauty of a creature was standing alone in the data core clutching that blue diary in her hand like she always did when she was alive. The diary of their lives together _'can't be told, has to be lived'_ she always chorused to him, he always respected that still looking forward to every adventure he has with her past self promising to make each one meaningful to her so that they will never be forgotten.

His eyes fixed on her enchanting features, how he longed to hold her, kiss her, make love to her even just once more as a farewell. She was drawing him in, his desire pulling him closer and closer to her with irresistible force. His fingertips pressed to the monitor on River's cheek touching it so tenderly. "...my River Song..." he whispered as his eye filled with sorrow taking her in one more time, reminding himself of what she meant and still means to him even though she's gone.

* * *

River Song inside a data core, she still felt alive almost as complete as she did before she sacrificed herself, although there was something missing. She wanted him; she wanted to feel the Doctor, to know that he is safe. She gave her life for their future, she knew he would be ok but time can be rewritten, no matter how hard he tries to keep that promise of protecting their times it can still happen without being planned.

As she looked over into the computerised distance of the rolling green pasture afoot the mansion in which she and her team call home she reminisced all of her treasured memories with him. Her fingers danced over the cover of her diary that she could no longer fill in, it was a diary of _their_ times not hers, now she was alone there was no reason for her to keep writing.

The digitised winds blew steadily with the midday sunshine beaming down on her, they were fake, made up but it was as close as she could get to living, every now and again there were small things that reminded her she could never be alive.

She eased her crystal aqua eyes closed trying to conceal the tears that welled up inside. The breeze brushing against her cheeks reassuring her that he will do everything he can to protect their timelines, she knew he would. Her grip tightened on the blue book, she knew it had to be done for him so he could live through everything written down so they would be memories not just stories.

The wind whistled around her vigorously running through her gold curls as they flowed just behind her, the gust blowing across the material of her white dress caressing her skin. She heard a whisper merge with the summer melody; it caused her face to crinkle with confusion. "...my River Song..." she instantly recognised the voice; her heart took a blow so hard the impact made her tremble.

Tears fell as she began to cry, heartbroken as the voice stabbed her brutally. Her breath turned shaky as she tried so hard to make it stop, to make the pain go away. More tears rolled down her cheeks pitter-pattering on the blue book, each one an unforgettable moment of lost passion for him. Her hands clenched onto the stone of the balcony as she tried to tide over the pain of love loss.

The cool winds died down almost as if they knew she was upset, and then a warm feeling rubbed against her cheek for a split second. She stopped weeping but the tears continued to fall uncontrollably. For a moment she thought she had imagined it. She felt it again as it stroked her cheek wiping away the tears like it was a hand, a hand comforting her lovingly.

She reached for the feel of the hand but just felt her own cheek, it had to be a dream or a ghost of one's past. She had been longing to feel him touch her that her desire could be playing tricks, confusing herself. The feeling was more like a hand as it continued to stroke her cheek in the same manner he used to.

* * *

The Doctor's heart's shattered as he saw her cry, he could feel her pain. All they wanted was to be together once more. He closed his eyes tightly trying to feel her like he would if they were united, her warm satin soft skin, her silky golden curls and her curvy bewitching body how he desperately needed to feel her again. The computer screen seemed to have disappeared and was replaced by what felt like human skin.

Bewildered, the Doctor opened his curious eyes but only saw the computer and only felt the screen, his hearts fell. His soul confusing his mind, making his dreams feel like a reality, he felt ashamed to be so predictable, so human. Only River had this power over him to make him feel so different, so hypnotised by love. Closing his eyes again he could feel River Song's presence like she was alive only hope created the perfect illusion that she was. But he knew all too well that she was only a shadow of the past.

Tears escaped the Doctor's eyes and rolled down his face as he continued dreaming that River Song was still so very alive, that she was with him this very moment. The flowing tears dripped off his chin and splashed onto the console each one making a faint 'ting' as it exploded releasing all of the emotion locked in the aqua shell.

But, he didn't just want to feel her; he wanted to be with her and he had thought about that for so long that he had a way of almost being with her, it's just all a matter of fate allowing it to work...

* * *

As River continued to let the sadness overwhelm her she felt a tiny splash on the back of her hand clutching the diary that rested on the balcony. Her grip loosened, she lifted her hand slightly so she could catch sight of what splashed on her. It was water, not her tears, her tears felt different and it would be impossible for her tears to land on the balcony. She questioned how it was possible when the sky was clear as glass; it was bright blue with not a single cloud suspended above.

Another droplet fell, followed by another and another all raining down around her, on her running down her body. They masked her own tears as she was drenched in a sea of sorrow, she knew who's they were and she wished he would stop. Him being upset just tore her up inside and now being nothing more than data imprisoned in the Library's core she could do nothing about it even if she tried. She wept more. Her tears were in sync with his, like everything about them apart from their lives. Each time they meet, never in sequential order, one always knew more than the other sometimes it even made them more distant instead of bringing them closer.

River continued to cry uncontrollably as the tears of her lost lover rained down around her. She felt the warm ghost of a hand on her cheek again wiping away the various droplets that dampened her skin. She looked out across the sunny land trying to block out the possibility that it could really be his hand digitised next to her. She kept telling herself it was her imagination fooling her.

The warm feeling on her cheek disappeared then she felt a pair of loving hands envelope themselves around her thin waist and pulled her into a tender embrace. The hands rested at her front as what almost seemed like a torso pressed itself gently on her back. She looked down where the hands should be they started to faintly appear becoming clearer after each moment. She rested her hand that was clamped on the balcony atop the hands on her front that now looked realistic.

She felt alive again as the secure embrace made her feel loved, she was reminded that although she is only a stream of data and memories she can still be treated like she is real- only the Doctor had that ability. Two hearts beating on her back, thumping a familiar, melodic tune she instantly knew he was really there comforting her. A chin rested on her shoulder, a kiss planted firmly on her neck with a tongue gently tasting her sweet skin.

River's other hand that protected the diary reached up to her shoulder to find the cheek of the face that kissed her and she stroked it gently like she used to. She turned her face to be greeted by shining all-knowing eyes that have seen the stars, travelled all of time and space but always had time to find her. Her limpid blue eyes neutralising his fiery brown in their gaze, their bodies fitted together perfectly and they were reunited once more.

They leaned their heads closer together until their lips crashed in a passionate kiss they both have been waiting a hundred life-times for. Their lips moulded perfectly, like they were made for each other, which caused them both to wonder if they were destined for each other as everything they done together seemed to revolve around their partnership.

His tongue expertly entwining with hers in a dance of love, he had learnt her skilful kissing technique and now he matched her undoubtedly. He had spent so long learning it to someday impress her, and now he had. He had impressed the imprint of River Song that was trapped inside a ball of data.

The kiss brought back enough burning desire to smoulder the whole universe sending it into a fiery intense oblivion of their hot, steamy passion for one another. They had been broken apart, then reunited only to be torn away once more but now they stood in unity never wanting to leave each other's hold. All of time and space watched them, it stood still letting them treasure each moment they spend together before time continued to move one way whilst space moves the other until they are pulled so far apart that existence begins to cry for these lovers lost as the shadow of the past darkens each and every day...


End file.
